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Domestic violence, Part 2 – Questions to ask yourself by Dr. Luz Miranda In my last column, I posed questions to ask about your partner, to help identify if he might be abusive. To identify if you are in an abusive relationship it helps ask a few questions about yourself. Are there times when you do not state your opinion in an argument or discussion because you feel intimidated by him? Are you afraid that he will hit you and/or lose control of his temper? Do you participate in activities, which you do not enjoy, because you are afraid to tell him you prefer to do something else? Do you feel that he is not interested in your opinion? Do you put your values aside in order to please him or connect with him? Is your self-esteem bolstered by solving his problems or relieving his pain? Do you value his opinion and way of doing things more than you do your own? Do you find that feeling good about yourself stems from receiving approval from him? Do you feel that your mental attention is focused on pleasing and/or protecting him? Are you more in touch with how he feels than how you feel? Are you more aware of what he wants rather than what you want? Does your fear of rejection by him determine what you say or do? Do you feel powerless, as if nothing you do makes a difference to him? Do you expect yourself to always be strong, good, perfect and happy? If you answered “yes” to many or some of these questions, you are in a high risk category for domestic violence and are likely to be abused. Domestic Violence, aka, DV is often passed down through families. Children exposed to DV are at high risk for being abusers or being abused. When I worked with foster care children, one of the most destructive cases involved DV. Six children had watched their mother beaten by her boyfriend with a baseball bat. She survived but was so physically and neurologically impaired that she could not live independently and never regained custody of the children. Four of the six children had to be hospitalized psychiatrically within the first year because they were a danger to themselves or others, essentially out of control. Having witnessed the near death of their mother, they had felt their powerlessness and also feared being hurt. The terror they were subjected to left them unable to function. The lesson is that the abuser never has to touch a child to destroy them; just witnessing the abuse to their loved one, can have the same result. DV is a serious problem that leaves its mark on all involved. New York State Coalition against domestic violence 24 Hour Domestic & Sexual Violence Hotline English: 1-800-942-6906 English TTY: 1-800-818-0656 Spanish: 1-800-942-6908 Spanish TTY: 1-800-780-7660 NYS Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline English: 1-800-942-6906 English TTY: 1-800-818-0656 Spanish language 1-800-942-6908 Spanish language TTY: 1-800-780-7660
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